Choosing Civility - Wallace House Center for Journalists

Stephen Henderson is founder and executive advisor to BridgeDetroit, and hosts “American Black Journal” on Detroit Public Television. He has served as a judge for the Livingston Awards since 2015.

We’re definitely, assuredly, an unlikely pair.

Nolan Finley is a white conservative from the coal and tobacco fields of Kentucky and, since 1998, the editor of The Detroit News editorial page. I’m an African American liberal from Detroit, the nation’s most industrial big city, and, when we met, I was leading the editorial page at the Detroit Free Press. People delighted in getting us together — on stage, on air, at dinners — just to watch us fight. Politics, culture, race, class — you name the subject and there is likely a conflict between us.

But for more than 18 years, we’ve also indulged an exploration of across-the-divide exchanges that are both rare and instructive. In talking about our lives, work, families, hopes and aspirations, we’ve gotten to know each other. We’ve done the work to understand where our bitterly disparate takes on issues came from. Most importantly, we’ve come to draw value from our disagreements — for what they tell us about each other and our perspectives, and what they tell us about ourselves.

In so many circles and on so many platforms now, Americans talk at each other and about each other — a take-no-prisoners verbal combat designed to obliterate those who see the world differently. Five years ago, a Pew Research survey found that nearly 70% of Americans had no consistent interaction with someone who held opposite political views. Imagine what that number is today.

… we listen — really listen — to each other, and commit to staying in our prolonged dialogue, no matter how painful that might be.

On this landscape, Nolan and I partnered on a project, “The Civility Book,” which was released this spring. In it, we try to explain how, over nearly two decades, we’ve carved a different path. We avoid assumptions about each other. We set reasonable expectations about our encounters, we listen — really listen — to each other, and commit to staying in our prolonged dialogue, no matter how painful that might be.

We still argue, and even fight. After the 2024 election, we got into a row over immigration during a television taping. The argument got loud and had to be broken up by producers, who decided it was too awful to be aired. Nolan and I had a bit of a cooling-off period; I think we probably didn’t talk for the next week or so. But we also don’t let those moments define us or rip us from the work it takes to maintain a consistent dialogue. Soon enough, we were back at our civility work and back to doing other things together as part of our friendship.

In some ways, we aren’t proposing anything more complicated than what any of us were taught in kindergarten. But in America today, it’s elusive and even frowned upon. Civility is often viewed as capitulation or weakness, rather than a key to individual and collective strength.

We can do better.

Nolan and I, despite our differences, are proof.

This article is part of Rising to Meet the Moment, a series from the Fall 2025 issue of the Wallace House Journal, featuring reflections from Knight-Wallace alumni, Wallace House board members and the Livingston Awards community on meeting today’s challenges with focus, resilience and resolve. Read more stories from our series:

Christopher Baxter, “Unexpected hope“

Lynette Clemetson, “Stepping up with focus and resolve“

Hayes Ferguson, “Nurturing innovation, adaptability and purpose“

Stephen Henderson, “Choosing civility“

Samantha Henry, “The future of our profession: student journalism“

Tracy Jan, “News deserts and fewer watchdogs“

Margaret Low, “Game Over? Not a chance.“

Peggy Lowe, “Defunded, but not defeated“

Amy Maestas, “Building trust through community collaborations“

Kunal Majumder, “Defending the right to report“

Seema Mehta, “Why we keep reporting“

Rachel Rohr, “Swift action for the hardest hit“